Monthly Archives: January 2014

Linkage: Cranky Daters Edition

Dating Is The Worst Way To Find Love And We Should All Stop Doing It [Thought Catalog]

How Do I Know if I’m Dating or Just Hanging Out? [Quora]

4 Things I Learned from the Worst Online Dating Profile Ever [Cracked]

Man Poses as Woman on Online Dating Site; Barely Lasts Two Hours [Jezebel]

How a Math Genius Hacked OkCupid to Find True Love [Wired]

(Note: These articles/Ted talks about how to “hack” online dating just make me tired. I don’t want to get a PhD in data science just to find a good date, thanks.)

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Words of Wisdom

The more one judges, the less one loves.

Honoré de Balzac

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TV marathon, anyone?

It’s cold. Grab a heated blanket, your knitting, and the dog (cat, roommate, whatever) and curl up with a good show.  Here are my top picks.

Lizzie Bennet Diaries
This modern-day Lizzie Bennet is a mass communications grad student using an online video diary as her thesis.  It’s funny, clever, and true to the essence of P&P even as it mixes things up.  Bonus: Free online.

White Collar
A suave con man and a good-hearted FBI agent work together in the Bureau’s White Collar Division. Gotta love the cases and capers, but the highlight is definitely the characters. (The formidable and gorgeous insurance investigator is a favorite.)

Pushing Daisies
Ned has two talents: making pie and waking the dead.  When he resurrects his childhood sweetheart, all would be perfect…except that if they ever touch again, she’s gone forever.  The “forensic fairytale” covers their adventures in crime-solving with a grumpy PI and a smitten waitress.  Whimsical, wry, bittersweet, and morbidly charming.

North & South
In this BBC miniseries set in 1855, a young lady from England’s agricultural South is forced to move to the industrial North, where she meets a proud mill owner with a very different perspective.  This is both a beautiful love story and a sharp, honest look at the realities of power, class, and gender from every side.  The final scene is one of the most romantic moments on-screen.  Ever.

Foyle’s War
A quiet, straightforward police detective investigates crimes on England’s home front during World War II. “His is an ordinary struggle, against everyday evil, in extraordinarily dangerous times.”  His effervescent driver, Sam, won my heart the moment she stepped on-screen. (Quote)

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
Independent, glamorous detective Phryne Fisher sashays her way through the best and worst of Melbourne society in the 1920’s.  It’s fun and clever, with an inimitable heroine.  (Bit risqué, too.)  And really, the only thing that could possibly improve upon cloche hats and intriguing mysteries is the gorgeous Aussie accents.

Veronica Mars
Nancy Drew goes neo-noir with a high school detective determined to find out the truth behind her mother’s disappearance, her best friend’s murder, and a few other grim things.  Sure, it’s dark and dramatic, but it’s also oddly endearing.  Think Buffy with a taser and an uncanny ability to unravel the truth.  Bonus: there’s a movie coming out in March, with new webisodes to boot.

And of course, if you haven’t yet seen Firefly, Doctor Who, Call the Midwife, or Downton Abbey, cancel your plans and hop to it. They’re always worth the watch.

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St. Xenia

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to talk about one of the Orthogals’ favorite saints, Blessed Xenia, fool for Christ, of St Petersburg.  She’s a fairly modern saint, 1719 – 1803, and known for her remarkable kindness and intercessions on behalf of those who ask for her help.

Her husband was Andrey Petrov, an army officer and chanter at St Andrew’s Cathedral.  When Xenia was 26, Andrey died suddenly at a party, without having received Confession or Communion.  Xenia appeared to have37525.p
lost her mind with grief and gave away all their possessions. She even turned their house into a home for the poor.  Her husband’s family was less than thrilled and tried to have her declared insane, but the estate’s trustees realized that she was of perfectly sound mind.  She’d simply realized that no worldly blessing would last.  Still, for the rest of her life she wore only Andrey’s army uniform (or rags in the same colors) and answered only to his name, insisting that she—not Andrey—had died.

She spent the next 45 years wandering St. Petersburg as a homeless fool-for-Christ.  She cared for the poor, healed the sick, prophesied, helped build the Church of the Smolensk Icon of the Mother of God, and helped people with the many things that troubled them.  She accepted almost nothing for herself.  She spent her days visiting those who needed her and her nights praying in a field.

It’s common to say a 40-day Akathist to her for help with work, school, housing, and one’s love life.

Holy St. Xenia, pray to God for us!

Having renounced the vanity of the earthly world, thou didst take up the cross of a homeless life of wandering; thou didst not fear grief, privation, nor the mockery of men, and didst know the love of Christ.
Now taking sweet delight of this love in heaven, O Xenia, the blessed and divinely wise,
Pray for the salvation of our souls.

Sources 1 2 3 4

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Words of Wisdom

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

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Who pays for dates?

Ah, the topic that everyone in our post-Script world is confused about!

So, who should pay on a date?

Whoever did the asking out should pay.

Even if the woman did the asking out?

Yes.

So, should women ask men out?

It depends.

Meaning? 

If you’re “In a Relationship”, as they say on The Facebook, there’s no reason that as a woman you shouldn’t be initiating and planning dates.  That said, it’s probably not smart of women to spend a lot of money or to plan really elaborate dates. Women can help with the financial realities of dating by cooking occasional meals, getting the tip, paying for coffee, that sort of thing. They can also plan larger dates, but it’s not smart to do this on a regular basis.

Why should the the financial burden of dating be on the guy? Humph. 

One reason is because there are hidden costs to dating to which most men are completely oblivious. If you think of the date as just the part where the couple is spending time together, then yes, men do end up paying more. But if you count grooming and prep (nails, getting hair done, body hair removal, the purchasing of clothing, shoes, or accessories), then women end up spending more.

However, dating is not about the financial transactions that take place either overtly or covertly. Treating a someone to a meal or a night out, these are things that them feel appreciated and special.

Dating is so expensive!

Keep it simple! Go on cheaper dates. Go volunteer together. See this list here for ideas. Dates are for spending time with someone, getting to know them, gauging if you’re compatible or not, and having fun. They are not about spending as much money as you can on someone in the hopes (or expectation) that they will do something for you in return (fall in love, have sex, etc.).

In fact, I have heard multiple women say that they don’t like it when men spend a lot of money on them on dates because in the back of their heads they are wondering if the guy has certain expectations for the end of the date.

One last point RE: costs: Being in a relationship does not equal the guy paying for all the lady’s things ever, that’d be silly.

I’m a man and I like to pay!

Good on you. I know some men are annoyed when women don’t offer to pay because it takes from them the opportunity to look generous, but that’s more about their self-image than manners.

I’m a woman and I like to pay!

There are a few reasons this could be the case:

1. Because some men think they’re owed something at the end of the date and one is tired of disabusing them of this notion. I recommend practicing icy glares in the mirror.

2. You’re just not in to your date. Being asked on a date is a compliment and the correct response at the end of it is to say “thank you”. But you’re not doing anything wrong by accepting the gift of his paying for dinner, even if you’ve by now realized you don’t want another date.  Just thank him, and if he calls the next day be up-front about thanking him for a good time but not wanting a second date.

Paying for yourself when someone is trying to woo you sends a signal you’re not interested. So use wisely.

What about going dutch?

Despite the fact that the average male would like women to spend more on dates, women don’t really want to have to split the bill. As well they shouldn’t; ladies don’t feel like they’re being wooed when they’re paying for their own glass of wine and entree.  Of course men like it when women say “thank you”, tho there’s no need to go overboard with gratitude.

Frankly, in the early days of the relationship, going dutch is just a buzzkill. Later on it’s better for the woman to pick up the tip or coffee, or to make him dinner/cover the check entirely once in a while instead.  If neither have the money, it’s okay, then don’t do dinner.  Meet up for a hot cocoa and long walk after dinner instead.

What about if you met via a dating site or app?

I think this is where it should be more important for ladies to offer to pay when the bill comes. Yes, it’s nice if men pay anyway (you didn’t ask him out, did you??), but if you met on a dating site, you’re kind of asking to be taken out.

N.B.: This only counts for the first date.

I keep taking this girl out but she complains a lot and never is appreciative. 

She’s just not that in to you.

Women are such entitled narcissistic b*tches!

Oh, you must be here from the Manosphere.

 

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Linkage: Random Good Stuff

Report: Everyone Starting New Exciting Stage Of Life Except You [The Onion]

New Year’s Intentions [The Evangelista]

Hospitality for Mobile Millennials [Fare-Forward]

A 1936 Guide to the Art of Wooing [Brain Pickings]

Men and Women Often Expect Different Things When They Move In Together [The Atlantic]

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Words of Wisdom

The spiritual poverty of the West is greater than ours… You, in the West, have millions of people who suffer such terrible loneliness and emptiness…They feel unloved and unwanted. These people are not hungry in the physical sense, but they are in another way. They know they need something more than money, yet they don’t know what it is. What they are missing, really, is a living relationship with God.

– Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

 

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Wedding Etiquette

There is nothing more pleasurable than virtue, nothing nothing sweeter than orderliness, nothing more honorable than dignity. A wedding is not a pageant or a theatrical performance. Instead, make your house as beautiful as you can, and then invite your family and your neighbors and your friends. Before anything else, invite Christ.

-St. John Chrysostom, writing in the 4th century AD.

Judith Martin is a philosopher. And when reading her stuff, it’s important to remember that you’re reading her views on how to behave with civility.

My generation is so cut off from proper hospitality that we fail to see why we shouldn’t charge people to eat our food. Here in the urban jungle, I hear stories of young adults who plan an expensive menu (sushi, steak) and ask friends (friends!) to pitch in money when RSVPing. One wonders why these people don’t run a restaurant instead.

Due to an upcoming family member’s nuptials, I recently read Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding. I read a few things in there that made my cheeks burn – because I realized I have broken etiquette rules (tho they are all widely ignored today – so not totally my fault). Did you know that a family member should not throw a shower (bridal or baby)? I did not.

The problem with weddings today is that people no longer see them as sacred events that join two families together, witnessed by God and beloved friends. Nope, now they are productions showcasing the narcissism of the “staring” couple and relegating everyone else into a “supporting role”.

If you think I’m joking, you should pick up this execrable bookThe Bridesmaid’s Manual. In it, the authors, and I’m not kidding, recommend to bridesmaids that they should expect to be mistreated, that they will probably need therapy, that they will probably go broke paying for everything that bridesmaids have to pay for (dress, shoes, makeup/hair, transportation costs, gifts, parties, etc etc etc), and that they are there to be part of a production. Sadly, the authors are probably right. Why they think it’s OK to tell women that it’s fine to put up with that is beyond me.

Miss Manners, on the other hand, opines on why she is not a fan of gift registries. Because in her worldview, gifts should be given to the couple out of affection. That gifts are to expected should never, ever be implied or state outright. Who today doesn’t do gift registries? But how much nicer would it be if the focus was on inviting guests because of their importance in the couples lives, and not expecting them to finance the honeymoon, upcoming house purchase, or anything else. Miss Manners gently by firmly steers brides and wedding planners away from certain behaviors, not wishing selfishness or greed to crash the wedding.

It would be refreshing, not to mention cheaper, less stressful, and classier, if Miss Manners’ advice was heeded by wedding planners. The focus would be on the ceremony and an appropriate reception/party. If you or someone you know is planning a wedding this summer, I would definitely recommend this book. If you’ve never read Miss Manners, you’re in for a treat. She’s hilarious, witty, and suffers no fools.

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Linkage: “Research says…” edition

Why people are more beautiful in groups [The Atlantic]

The  surprising Facebook link between your friends and your significant other [Big Think]

How to make friends and the importance of strengthening the friendships you have [Barking up the Wrong Tree]

The link between texting and relationship satisfaction. [Big Think]

The astonishing changes in the American family [NYT]

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